Household Blues
by KiWi Rai Rai
Summary: Movie spoilers, but no real continuity.  Jazz learns at the end of life, you start a new one in some crazy fanatics house.  Kind of.  Rated T to be safe, but it probably be K and get away with it.


KiWi: Argh! Summer is sooooo boring!

Torio: At least you got to see the Transformers movie. And you got toys!

KiWi: (pouts) but they made Starscream a voyager class this time, and by the time I have enough money for him, they'll be all sold out!

Torio: …There's always Christmas. Anyway, you need to stop playing with your toys and work on fanfiction. People are getting fed up with waiting for the next chapter of _A Slight Disadvantage._

KiWi: Yeah, if any of you guys are reading this, sorry 'bout that. Apparently writers block + homework + Tales of Phantasia Fanfiction suffering. My bad. I'll get it done though. I'm four pages in to the seventh chapter.

Torio: A half a year and you only have four pages! What the Hell have you been doing?

KiWi: _Sepulcher for Sanity_.

Torio: Oh, yeah…

KiWi: Anyway, lets start this story. I do not own Transformers. Wait, hold on… (thinks)

Torio: She actually owns the toys and the Gamecube. She just doesn't own the rights to them. Or something along those lines. She also does not own "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny".

KiWi: my head ouches…

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Chapter 1: Jazz and his "Ultimate Destiny"

Jazz could hear music. The most blaringly obvious question, besides 'why is there music?' was 'who was singing?'

"Old Godzilla was hoppin' around Tokyo city like a big playground, when suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a bat grenade. Godzilla got pissed and began to attack, but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq, who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq-fu, when Aaron Carter came out of the blue…"

Jazz shook his head. What a weird song. Why was someone singing, anyway? Did people sing when you died?

He jumped to his feet. That's right, he _had_ died. But if he was dead, why was he here?

"…and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neil," the voice sang, "then they both got flattened by the Batmobile, but before he could make it back to the Batcave, Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave, and took an AK-47 out from under his hat; blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat, but he ran out of bullets and ran away, because Optimus Prime came to save the day…"

Jazz paused. Was Optimus's name really just in that song? Jazz shook his head again. Did people hallucinate this strangely after they died, or was it just him? Slowly, he walked to the edge of the platform he was on and stared down. There was green. Was that what the humans called grass? It was too big of a jump to go down to find out.

Meanwhile, the song continued. "…This is the ultimate showdown, of ultimate destiny. Kick-ass bad guys and explosions, as far as the eye can see, and only one will survive; I wonder who it will be. This is the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny…"

Jazz looked to his left. There was a large cube there. At first, he thought it was the All Spark, but then he realized that the All Spark wasn't purple. And it didn't have the words "Nintendo Gamecube" written on it. The words were in the Earthen language of English, so he was probably still on Earth. Maybe.

"Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime-"

"Damn it! Will you stop slagging _singing_? It's annoying!" Suddenly, the music was shut off.

Jazz shrugged. At least there was other Cybertronians here. He looked up, and realized that there was another ledge above him. He carefully set his gun down and jumped up to grab the ledge.

He was greeted by a reptilian creature. It growled at him, and, startled, Jazz lost his hold and fell all the way to the ground.

"You're silly, moon."

Jazz looked up at the yellow rabbit. It (he?) smiled down at him.

"My name's Moon. What's yours, moon?"

"Jazz." The Autobot replied warily. Slowly he got up, only to wind on his face this time.

"Ha! Stupid Autobot!" Jazz recognized this as the voice that was singing.

"Skywarp! Why do you have to be such a meanie, moon?"

Jazz looked at the black and purple jet, and then promptly punched him. The jet was about to retaliate when Moon intervened.

"Don't make me call Ultra Magnus, moon."

Skywarp crossed his arms and mumbled.

"Hey, new metal!" a red mech announced, "Looks like KiWi decided to dish out the extra cash for a Deluxe this time."

A green wasp-bot got into Jazz's face. He hummed in thought. "Wazzpinator thinkz thizz Autobot lookzz weird."

"Duh." Skywarp shot back. "That's because he's movieverse. They all look weird in movieverse. Kind of like Strika."

"I think the Seeker wants to die." A female voice responded, but Jazz couldn't find her in the growing crowd.

"But, Wazzpinator thought that the firzzt movieverzze toy would be Barricade. KiWi likezz Barricade."

Skywarp stared at Jazz. "Maybe they were sold out, and all they had were Jazzes. All the little kiddies wouldn't want the only good guy who croaked, now would they."

Waspinator hummed thoughtfully.

"What exactly is going on here?" Jazz cut in. "The last thing I remember is-"

"Being snapped like a twig?" Skywarp finished. "I'm aware of that. The thing is…"

"You never died." A female Autobot cut in. "My name's Arcee, Energon series, but that doesn't matter, because I'm the only Arcee here."

"Energon series?" Jazz asked.

Arcee nodded. "You're a toy. Jazz, 2007 movie series, or movieverse, if you want."

"Movieverse sounds better, dude." Skywarp whispered.

"I'm… a _toy_?"

"Yup." The red mech confirmed. "Five and a half inches of plastic. By the way, I'm Cybertron Ransack. Remember it, because it'll be the name you come to fear, Autobot."

"The Destrons aren't all that dangerous," Moon stated, "so you don't need to worry, moon."

"He's from the Beast Wars II series, which was Japan only." Arcee explained.

Jazz pointed at Skywarp. "And him?"

"Classics." Arcee stated. "Cybertron Skywarp is probably somewhere around here. He's just as bad."

Jazz paused. "So all these different series, are they like parallel universes or something?"

Arcee thought for a bit. "I suppose. You would be from a different universe than the Armada-Energon toys, who are from a different universe then the G1/Classics toys."

"G1?" Jazz asked. "Is there any G1-er's here?"

Arcee giggled. "I like that term for them. There's just Thundercracker and Thrust."

Moon shook his head. "Poor Thrust, moon. He's from the 'Worlds smallest Transformers' line, so most of the Minicons are taller then him, moon."

"Then there are the Classics." Arcee continued.

"We're like G1, but with, you know, articulation." Skywarp quipped.

"So, I'm _not_ dead?" Jazz asked.

"You weren't alive until just now." Arcee confirmed. She smiled. "Don't worry I'll explain how everything works around here after all the excitement dissipates."

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Jazz sat on the edge of the computer desk, staring glumly at the ground.

"Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of the recharging chamber." He muttered.

"I know what you mean." A brown mech named Nemesis Strika responed, but she was too engrossed in her game to look at him.

Arcee laughed. "You get used to it here. Anyway, all the factions and some of the more important people need to be explained. The Decepticons outnumber us, and by quite a bit. Because there is no Megatron here, they're lead by Cybertron Starscream." She pointed at the top of the bookshelf. There was a _large_ jet up there. "He probably took command simply because he is the largest one here; the only Supreme class."

Jazz nodded. He was beginning to think that these classes had something to do with size.

"There is no official second-in-command for the Decepticons, but Classics Starscream seems to have filled that position. He occasionally tries to take control of the 'army', if it could even be considered that."

"There's _two_ Starscreams?!" Jazz asked.

"Actually, there are four." Arcee answered. "Energon Starscream is pretty antisocial, so you won't see him much. Armada Starscream…"

"What?" The jet asked, peaking out from one of the shelves on the computer desk. "You're talking about me, aren't you."

"Don't mention his wings." Arcee whispered quickly.

Jazz was about to ask 'what wings?' but decided against it. "I'm new here, and she was just telling me about all the different people, and how it's possible for there to be four Starscreams." Jazz said quickly.

Armada Starscream's optics narrowed. "Your looking at my lack of wings, aren't you? You're laughing at me, huh? Well, I'll show you. I'll show you all." His voice trailed off as he ducked back behind the stack of pocket dictionaries.

Arcee sighed. "He was picked up used by a friend of KiWi's a year ago at Anime Expo, so he didn't come with wings."

"The other jets ostracize him because of this." Strika explained. "I feel rather sorry for him."

Jazz looked down. "I do too."

"He's okay." Arcee stated. "He can be nice when he wants to be." She paused. "The Autobots are, more or less under the joint command of Ultra Magnus and Vector Prime."

"No Optimus either, huh?" Jazz asked.

Arcee shook her head. "The leaders tend to be out of KiWi's budget."

Strika laughed. "Anything above Scout class tends to be out of KiWi's budget."

"In reality, the Autobots are just as disorganized as the Decepticons." Arcee stated. "But we're not trying to conquer the room, so we don't need to be an army."

Jazz looked around. "A room. They're really trying to conquer a room. I know the 'Cons are idiots, but, c'mon."

"We don't usually leave the room." Arcee stated. She pointed back up to the top of the bookcase. There were two vaguely reptilian creatures up there. Jazz remembered seeing them on the internet. They were called 'bionicles'. "They guard the door, so no one actually leaves. They go by the names Kan and Porta. Yes, I know it's not cannon, but KiWi isn't into bionicles, so she gave them new names and personalities."

Jazz stared at them. "You can check in, but you can't check out…" he murmured.

"No one crosses them, so no one leaves." Arcee continued. "Except Thrust. He often stows himself away in KiWi's pocket. He's the only source of information outside of the apartment."

"So, where exactly are we?" Jazz asked. "We have to be in a city."  
Arcee shrugged. "Don't really know. Some of us say the city is called 'Townsville', you know, as a joke."

"Ah." Jazz said. "Is there an actual war going on or what?"

Arcee shook her head. "With the fact we're all from different continuities, it gets really hard to unify ourselves for a single cause. All the Great Wars seem to be for different reasons. Oh, and then there are the dragons."

Jazz paused. "Dragons?" he asked.

Arcee nodded. "They live on the shelf above yours. The 'Cons spend a bit more time fighting them then us."

"So there's really three factions?" Jazz asked.

"Four if you count the minicons." Arcee smiled. "They can be vindictive, so watch out. Oh, then there's Moon and Waspinator, the only Maximal and Predacon, respectively."

Jazz's head was spinning. "Maximal? Predacon?"

"Waspinator hangs out with the Decepticons." Strika stated. "But I think that that's only because the Skywarps like laughing at him. Oh, and you see these bottle caps lying around? They make good weapons. We don't have lasers here."

Jazz stared at the bottle caps. "Do I want to know?"

"KiWi was trying to win Pepsi Prime." Stika answered. "Like that was going to happen. Anyway, she hasn't thrown them out yet."

"So, you guys almost had a leader?" Jazz asked Arcee.

Strika laughed. "If I were you, Autobot, I wouldn't follow someone named _Pepsi_ Prime. I'd stick with Ultra Magnus, even if he can't deal with leadership now."

From the other side of the computer desk, Ultra Magnus screamed in frustration. "Of all the things I've done, no one remembers anything but that _one stupid line_!"  
From the night stand a little bit away from the computer desk, Classics Skywarp laughed. "Looks like he can't even deal with his own lines now."

"One of these days," Ultra Magnus threatened, "I'm going to open up that fan and tie you to it, Skywarp."

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One thing was bugging Jazz, and it was nothing no one could explain.

If they didn't have lasers, then why were the jets able to fly? And Skywarp (both of them) could teleport.

Jazz pondered this as he stared at the bookcase. He had to get back up there. But how?

"Hey, Waspinator, do you think you can fly me up there?" he asked.

"Oh no. Wazzpinator doezzn't go near the dragonz. Bad thingzz happen to Wazzpinator when dragonz are around."

"Damn." Jazz looked around. There was a wall scroll he could reach from the second shelf. The second shelf was low enough for him to jump to. Then he could climb all the way to his shelf.

Jazz noted the Decepticon decal hanging off of the same nail as the wall scroll.

"Nooo, not a staunch Decepticon supporter at all." He muttered. "Bunch a' crazies, all of 'em."

"You get used to it."

Jazz turned to face the blue jet behind him. The real mystery about this guy was how he manages to move; he seemed to lack any sort of joints all together. Jazz chalked it up to magic. It was probably the explanation for everything; from the flying toy jets to the crazy wingless jets to the idiotic teleporting jets to the anime sugar-coated cuteness of the crazy bunny rabbit bots. It was probably the reason for their whole existence. Magic.

"I'm G1 Thundercracker." He said sternly. "Don't get me confused with my Cybertron counterpart. I try not to associate with him."

Jazz eyed the bed warily, where a blue and gray jet with a southern accent was kicking around a Minicon.

Crazy redneck jets. That was also magic's fault.

"Right." Jazz muttered blandly. "Can you fly me up there?"

Thundercracker nodded and picked up the Autobot. He lifted them up to his shelf.

"Hey!" a voice from the ground called.

Thundercracker peered over the edge. "Ah, it's the spawns of the Pit, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. Damn Alternators think they're better than everyone else."

"Hey TC, where's Skywarp!" Sideswipe taunted.

"Do you really have nothing better to do than to make slash jokes about us? It gets kind of stale."

"Awww, but you two are such a cute couple."

Thundercracker growled. "At least I'm not in slash fics with my _brother_."

Sideswipe blinked. "I thought Skywarp _was_ your brother."

"No. If I were related to him just because he is a Seeker, that would mean I'm related to Starscream, and probably a bunch of other crazies. Primus, Seekers are mass-produced. Do you know how many 'brothers' I would have?"

Sideswipe walked away, pondering this. As Thundercracker flew away, Jazz sat down on the shelf.

"That's it, I'm never leaving again."

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The days passed more or less uneventfully, for Jazz at least. He sat on his shelf and identified the sounds he heard. Usually the sound was [insert name here dropkicking [insert name here off of [insert place here. Today, however, was different.

Jazz was no longer alone on the shelf.

He eyed the black robot suspiciously. He had asked for someone he knew, and came to regret it. Of all the people in the movieverse, it had to be this guy.

Jazz sighed. "Well, it could be worse. I could have gotten stuck with Starscream, or Megatron." Of course, it could have been better; it could have been Optimus, or Bumblebee, or Ironhide, or Ratchet, or a bazillion other people.

The robot began to stir, and Jazz readied himself.

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Slowly, Barricade got up. He looked around, wondering where the Pit he was. The next thing he knew, the ground was rushing up to meet him.

"Damn, you fall down _good_."

Barricade glared at the black and purple Seeker. A white and blue Autobot next to him looked up onto the shelf. "Jazz, was that really necessary?"

"Yes, Magnus, it was." Jazz answered. "I am not sharing my shelf with the likes of him."

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KiWi: Done. Updates will be whenever.

Torio: Like everything else.

KiWi: Review please.


End file.
